I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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