Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
