goodnight i made you a song goodbye
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
