someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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