Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
