Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
