You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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