Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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