My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
