my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
