I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
