he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
