I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
