they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
