I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
