I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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