I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
