Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
where are my eyebrows?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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