I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
