soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
