I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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