he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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