i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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