I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Life is so much better after having sex.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
