dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
