So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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