I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
