My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
