There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
