Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
