I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
