So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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