god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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