my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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