apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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