I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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