literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
