So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
