I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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