Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize