You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
