I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
