Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
