I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
