There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
