Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
