I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this boner is exhausting
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
