I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
