he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
