Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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