i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
